Sometimes Healing is a Process and Takes Time

So the healing process began on January 29, 1995...but it took many years to work through the pain and anger I held so tightly to. 

I still had issues with boys and emotions and emotions and boys. But I started to have more and more hope. 

I began to trust my life more and more to Christ. But I had many trust issues to deal with. It wasn't a simple process by any means and it took years to work through. 

I had many ups and downs in my faith. I began to slowly forgive my stepdad, my mom, my dad, and anyone else who had hurt me. But at times that was more difficult than I really wanted to do. 

I began a relationship with Jason through the turmoil. He was almost the only positive relationship I had during my teen years. He was determined to show me love like no other. I didn't know how to take that and ended up breaking up with him time and time again. 

My faith struggled. My emotions struggled. My relationships struggled. It was a constant inner battle. The tornado would rage inside of me. I had a hard time trusting God to take care of my life. I felt like I could never been good enough to win His approval. 

When I graduated high school, my faith was weak. I kept pushing the limits to see what I could get away with. I began to drink alcohol and a lot of it. I wanted to drink the pain away. I wanted the tornado to stop, but I didn't know how. 

I thought that if I went to a Christian College that it would help my faith grow. I thought it would help me to be a better Christian. I thought it would stop the tornado. When it didn't, I crashed. 

In the spring of 1998, I had a breakdown. I shut down. I ended up leaving college and moving back home with my mom and stepdad. I gave up trying to stop the tornado and gave in to all my desires. I began to have multiple relationships and began doing things I said I would never do. 

By June of 1998, I didn't even recognize myself any more. I had given myself away to so many guys so many times. But I didn't know what to do or how to stop the tornado. I was stopped in my tracks with a double ear infection and no one to help me on Father's Day. Jason stepped up and took care of me for those next couple of days. And our friendship began to grow again. 

I began to see Jason as my escape from the tornado. If college couldn't stop it, maybe he could. I knew he had intentions of marrying me, so I finally said yes. Not exactly the best foundation for beginning a marriage. But God used it. We were married in October. 

Two weeks later, we conceived Josiah. Because I was pregnant, I could no longer take the medication I was on to control the Bipolar Disorder. Within the first month of our marriage we learn we are expecting our first child, I am going through withdrawal of the medication I was taking, I am dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, and we are newly married. Jason had no idea what he was getting into. But God did.