I am currently attending a partial hospitalization program. I am so glad that I was lead to this program to help me step out of the tornado once again. I am putting some more pieces together of my story. As the puzzle becomes more clear, I will update theses posts to be more accurate.
Until then, I am beginning to enjoy the journey once more.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
So Here I Am...Let's Be Real
A lot of things have happened within the last year. I have no idea where to even begin. A counselor asked me how I am still standing in the midst of it all. I said it was only by the grace of God.
I have been too busy to really heal. Do you ever find yourself in that place? So busy going to this appointment or the next event, there is no time to reflect and begin to heal those broken places. The shattered places. The fragments.
I am fractured. I need a reset in order for my soul to be healed. How do I reset in the midst of life? Can I really take a time out and take time to work on myself instead of everyone else? Am I worthy of the time and energy it takes to find this healing?
I am not perfect and yet I have such a deep need to be perfect. I believe that the world is a dangerous place and every time I trust someone, I get hurt. How does all of this affect my journey of healing? It stops it cold right against a solid stone wall.
Am I valuable enough to begin tearing down this wall? Or is my place at home taking care of everyone else while I wither away inside? Am I ready for this change? Am I ready to take the next step on my journey into freedom? Into the sunlight? Am I really ready to trust God?
I hurt. Sometimes I want the hurt to stop. And yet, mostly I want it to continue. I am afraid. Fear rules most of my life. Perfect love casts out fear. But I don't trust perfect love yet. I am suffocating. Sometimes I want to stop the fight to breathe.
If I don't good something good enough, then I am not good enough. I am a failure. I failed with my kids. I am daily failing with my marriage. I fail myself. I try to rationalize things. Pretend my life is perfect. I forget things. I dissociate.
I am shattered. I am damaged. I am unlovable. I don't deserve for anyone to help me heal. I must stay safe from people. What about God? I don't read the Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I am not a good enough person. I am weak. My faith is drowning. I am shaking like a leaf. I need His peace, I need to trust Him for His peace.
I am requested to attend a day program for at least three weeks to help me work through all of this.
I am seeing a psychologist sometimes, a psychiatrist to manage the meds, and a therapist monthly. It is not enough to really dig deep into my faulty belief systems. I need more.
I have been too busy to really heal. Do you ever find yourself in that place? So busy going to this appointment or the next event, there is no time to reflect and begin to heal those broken places. The shattered places. The fragments.
I am fractured. I need a reset in order for my soul to be healed. How do I reset in the midst of life? Can I really take a time out and take time to work on myself instead of everyone else? Am I worthy of the time and energy it takes to find this healing?
I am not perfect and yet I have such a deep need to be perfect. I believe that the world is a dangerous place and every time I trust someone, I get hurt. How does all of this affect my journey of healing? It stops it cold right against a solid stone wall.
Am I valuable enough to begin tearing down this wall? Or is my place at home taking care of everyone else while I wither away inside? Am I ready for this change? Am I ready to take the next step on my journey into freedom? Into the sunlight? Am I really ready to trust God?
I hurt. Sometimes I want the hurt to stop. And yet, mostly I want it to continue. I am afraid. Fear rules most of my life. Perfect love casts out fear. But I don't trust perfect love yet. I am suffocating. Sometimes I want to stop the fight to breathe.
If I don't good something good enough, then I am not good enough. I am a failure. I failed with my kids. I am daily failing with my marriage. I fail myself. I try to rationalize things. Pretend my life is perfect. I forget things. I dissociate.
I am shattered. I am damaged. I am unlovable. I don't deserve for anyone to help me heal. I must stay safe from people. What about God? I don't read the Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I am not a good enough person. I am weak. My faith is drowning. I am shaking like a leaf. I need His peace, I need to trust Him for His peace.
I am requested to attend a day program for at least three weeks to help me work through all of this.
I am seeing a psychologist sometimes, a psychiatrist to manage the meds, and a therapist monthly. It is not enough to really dig deep into my faulty belief systems. I need more.
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