Recently I was asked to give a five-minute testimony at church. This is what I shared.
Fifteen years ago when Jason and I were married, I had a desire of continuing my education and going back to college. After we began having our children, I let that desire fade away. I figured that there was no way I could go back to college with a family.
As I grew in my walk with Christ and began to hear His voice more clearly, I began having regular dreams in the night of being back in college. The desire to continue my education began to return. However, I had no idea how it would all work out or what I specifically wanted to learn.
My children began attending West River Head Start when the Beulah center was opened. One of the priorities of the program is to involve families. Over the years, I became a trained parent volunteer and classroom substitute. I served on Policy Council for three years in several leadership roles including chairperson. I became a member of the North Dakota Head Start Association as well as the Region VIII Head Start Association where my voice made a difference.
My passion for the education of young children grew. My passion for seeing these children saved and discipled also grew. My daily intercession went deeper as I began to intercede for the children of North Dakota to know Christ.
I began to pray and seek His face about taking the next step and becoming a teacher assistant in the classroom. This was the direction He was leading me.
I enrolled in my online college courses with United Tribes Technical College the fall of 2010. I was also hired as the Teacher Assistant a the Beulah center with West River Head Start. I received more training and gained more experience which carried me through the next several years of my life. Three months later, we moved to Underwood to pastor the Assemblies of God church there.
I continued my college courses online and began to seek God on how I could begin to effectively minister to children.
I began taking the courses for the Supernatural School of Children's Ministry through Kids In Ministry International in 2011 and I graduated October of 2012. I launched a church plant for children called Kids Aflame PowerClub which is still continuing to impact McLean County today.
After praying and seeking His face for direction for our family, we decided to move back to our house in Beulah. When visiting with Eunice Sayler at Job Service, she mentioned that the Hazen Preschool was hiring a Teacher/Director. I smiled and said I would think about it. I disqualified myself and determined that I was not qualified for the position.
After we finished moving back to Beulah, I began to look harder for employment. Eunice reminded me about the position at Hazen Preschool. I smiled and said I would think about it. Again, I disqualified myself and looked into other employment opportunities.
Again, I went into Job Service in Beulah in desperation needing to find income. She asked me to take an application for the Hazen Preschool and let them know I was interested in the position. I filled out the application completely and filed it away. I disqualified myself due to my lack of experience and education. I was not qualified to lead a Preschool classroom.
I began employment with Knife River Care Center as a Cook II. Then I received a phone call from the chairperson from the Hazen Preschool Board. She said she saw my resume online at Job Service and asked if I would be interested in the position.
I repented and knew that this is where God was leading me.
I may not have been qualified as a Teacher/Director for a Preschool, but I am qualified as a Teacher/Director of a Playschool. Until I receive my CDA officially, I can still be the Teacher/Director of the Hazen Playschool. I had disqualified myself when in reality, I was qualified just in a different term.
The board was willing to work with me with my credentials. Today as the Teacher/Director of the Hazen Playschool, I am impacting the lives of 40 children on a weekly basis. I am half way through my Associate Degree for Elementary Education. I am a graduate of the Supernatural School of Children's Ministry. And I know this is just another step along the journey.
I am amazed to see all that God has done because I said I was willing to go wherever He sends me. I am willing to pay the price and get out of my comfort zones. I am willing to do what He has called me to do even though it's not easy. I am willing to listen and obey even though it seems like I am not qualified.
This journey is not about me and my wants and desires. It is about furthering His Kingdom. It's about doing His will for my life. I am so grateful that He chose me.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
The Journey Continues
I really started learning how to live without the tornado about 8 years ago now. Sometimes I still default and need to watch my attitude and the way I handle certain situations.
It is still a journey. Some days I have good days. Others are...well...I am still learning and growing.
I am still learning ways to effectively handle situations and stress. My story continues each day I spend living life on this earth. My story will continue when I am in glory with my Redeemer, Savior, Lord, and Restorer. My story is so much more hopeful because of Christ in me.
Today I am going to add new pages to My Story and affect others while they are writing their stories. My hope is that my affect is positive and I make a difference in the lives of others.
It is still a journey. Some days I have good days. Others are...well...I am still learning and growing.
I am still learning ways to effectively handle situations and stress. My story continues each day I spend living life on this earth. My story will continue when I am in glory with my Redeemer, Savior, Lord, and Restorer. My story is so much more hopeful because of Christ in me.
Today I am going to add new pages to My Story and affect others while they are writing their stories. My hope is that my affect is positive and I make a difference in the lives of others.
Learning How to Live without the Tornado
I had lived with the tornado so long I forgot what life was like before it raged.
My daily life changed. The way I saw life changed. The way I mothered my two boys changed. The way I loved my husband changed. It took time. It took years.
During those years, I chose to forgive and let go. I forgave my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my stepmom, my stepsisters, and anyone else that had hurt me.
I realized that I saw life through lenses of pain. It skewed my vision and distorted reality for me.
I thought that my dad didn't want me. I realized he did, but he knew my mother needed me more.
I thought many things, but was corrected in time.
I realized that my mother's episodes were not my fault, but she has a disorder.
I realized that I made it through many difficult circumstances for a reason.
My daily life changed. The way I saw life changed. The way I mothered my two boys changed. The way I loved my husband changed. It took time. It took years.
During those years, I chose to forgive and let go. I forgave my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my stepmom, my stepsisters, and anyone else that had hurt me.
I realized that I saw life through lenses of pain. It skewed my vision and distorted reality for me.
I thought that my dad didn't want me. I realized he did, but he knew my mother needed me more.
I thought many things, but was corrected in time.
I realized that my mother's episodes were not my fault, but she has a disorder.
I realized that I made it through many difficult circumstances for a reason.
Stopping the Tornado
It is an absolute miracle our marriage survived the first month of our marriage, let alone 15 years.
The first two years of our marriage were full of ups and downs. The tornado inside of me raged. Finally, when I was ready to trust God, He was ready to stop the tornado.
One day while I was praying, the Holy Spirit showed me a picture of myself in my imagination. I was in a cold, dark cave. I was alone. I was hungry. But I was safe. No one could hurt me. But I was dying.
I saw Jesus walk in front of the opening of the cave. He stopped and reached His hand to me. He was beckoning me to trust Him and come out. I hesitated. I said no. I retreated further back into the cave. But He didn't leave. He stayed at the opening. He didn't come into my cave. But I wasn't alone. He beckoned again. He wanted me to take His hand. I reached out and took it. But then I retracted and retreated. Could I really trust Him?
Finally, I sensed that I could trust Him. I decided to put my hand in His. I chose to allow Him to guide me out of the cave I was in. I chose to make Him my fortress. I chose to allow Him to protect me.
I chose to trust Christ more than the Bipolar Disorder. I chose to trust Christ more than my past hurts and pain. I chose to trust Christ more than all I had ever known.
It was at that moment that the tornado stopped. Now I had to learn how to live without the tornado.
I was delivered from the Bipolar Disorder and have never dealt with the highs or lows of the disease again. It is documented that I am not Bipolar now. And the disorder does not just "go away." I know that it was God who healed my mind. I know that it was His hand that stopped the tornado inside of me.
The first two years of our marriage were full of ups and downs. The tornado inside of me raged. Finally, when I was ready to trust God, He was ready to stop the tornado.
One day while I was praying, the Holy Spirit showed me a picture of myself in my imagination. I was in a cold, dark cave. I was alone. I was hungry. But I was safe. No one could hurt me. But I was dying.
I saw Jesus walk in front of the opening of the cave. He stopped and reached His hand to me. He was beckoning me to trust Him and come out. I hesitated. I said no. I retreated further back into the cave. But He didn't leave. He stayed at the opening. He didn't come into my cave. But I wasn't alone. He beckoned again. He wanted me to take His hand. I reached out and took it. But then I retracted and retreated. Could I really trust Him?
Finally, I sensed that I could trust Him. I decided to put my hand in His. I chose to allow Him to guide me out of the cave I was in. I chose to make Him my fortress. I chose to allow Him to protect me.
I chose to trust Christ more than the Bipolar Disorder. I chose to trust Christ more than my past hurts and pain. I chose to trust Christ more than all I had ever known.
It was at that moment that the tornado stopped. Now I had to learn how to live without the tornado.
I was delivered from the Bipolar Disorder and have never dealt with the highs or lows of the disease again. It is documented that I am not Bipolar now. And the disorder does not just "go away." I know that it was God who healed my mind. I know that it was His hand that stopped the tornado inside of me.
Sometimes Healing is a Process and Takes Time
So the healing process began on January 29, 1995...but it took many years to work through the pain and anger I held so tightly to.
I still had issues with boys and emotions and emotions and boys. But I started to have more and more hope.
I began to trust my life more and more to Christ. But I had many trust issues to deal with. It wasn't a simple process by any means and it took years to work through.
I had many ups and downs in my faith. I began to slowly forgive my stepdad, my mom, my dad, and anyone else who had hurt me. But at times that was more difficult than I really wanted to do.
I began a relationship with Jason through the turmoil. He was almost the only positive relationship I had during my teen years. He was determined to show me love like no other. I didn't know how to take that and ended up breaking up with him time and time again.
My faith struggled. My emotions struggled. My relationships struggled. It was a constant inner battle. The tornado would rage inside of me. I had a hard time trusting God to take care of my life. I felt like I could never been good enough to win His approval.
When I graduated high school, my faith was weak. I kept pushing the limits to see what I could get away with. I began to drink alcohol and a lot of it. I wanted to drink the pain away. I wanted the tornado to stop, but I didn't know how.
I thought that if I went to a Christian College that it would help my faith grow. I thought it would help me to be a better Christian. I thought it would stop the tornado. When it didn't, I crashed.
In the spring of 1998, I had a breakdown. I shut down. I ended up leaving college and moving back home with my mom and stepdad. I gave up trying to stop the tornado and gave in to all my desires. I began to have multiple relationships and began doing things I said I would never do.
By June of 1998, I didn't even recognize myself any more. I had given myself away to so many guys so many times. But I didn't know what to do or how to stop the tornado. I was stopped in my tracks with a double ear infection and no one to help me on Father's Day. Jason stepped up and took care of me for those next couple of days. And our friendship began to grow again.
I began to see Jason as my escape from the tornado. If college couldn't stop it, maybe he could. I knew he had intentions of marrying me, so I finally said yes. Not exactly the best foundation for beginning a marriage. But God used it. We were married in October.
Two weeks later, we conceived Josiah. Because I was pregnant, I could no longer take the medication I was on to control the Bipolar Disorder. Within the first month of our marriage we learn we are expecting our first child, I am going through withdrawal of the medication I was taking, I am dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, and we are newly married. Jason had no idea what he was getting into. But God did.
I still had issues with boys and emotions and emotions and boys. But I started to have more and more hope.
I began to trust my life more and more to Christ. But I had many trust issues to deal with. It wasn't a simple process by any means and it took years to work through.
I had many ups and downs in my faith. I began to slowly forgive my stepdad, my mom, my dad, and anyone else who had hurt me. But at times that was more difficult than I really wanted to do.
I began a relationship with Jason through the turmoil. He was almost the only positive relationship I had during my teen years. He was determined to show me love like no other. I didn't know how to take that and ended up breaking up with him time and time again.
My faith struggled. My emotions struggled. My relationships struggled. It was a constant inner battle. The tornado would rage inside of me. I had a hard time trusting God to take care of my life. I felt like I could never been good enough to win His approval.
When I graduated high school, my faith was weak. I kept pushing the limits to see what I could get away with. I began to drink alcohol and a lot of it. I wanted to drink the pain away. I wanted the tornado to stop, but I didn't know how.
I thought that if I went to a Christian College that it would help my faith grow. I thought it would help me to be a better Christian. I thought it would stop the tornado. When it didn't, I crashed.
In the spring of 1998, I had a breakdown. I shut down. I ended up leaving college and moving back home with my mom and stepdad. I gave up trying to stop the tornado and gave in to all my desires. I began to have multiple relationships and began doing things I said I would never do.
By June of 1998, I didn't even recognize myself any more. I had given myself away to so many guys so many times. But I didn't know what to do or how to stop the tornado. I was stopped in my tracks with a double ear infection and no one to help me on Father's Day. Jason stepped up and took care of me for those next couple of days. And our friendship began to grow again.
I began to see Jason as my escape from the tornado. If college couldn't stop it, maybe he could. I knew he had intentions of marrying me, so I finally said yes. Not exactly the best foundation for beginning a marriage. But God used it. We were married in October.
Two weeks later, we conceived Josiah. Because I was pregnant, I could no longer take the medication I was on to control the Bipolar Disorder. Within the first month of our marriage we learn we are expecting our first child, I am going through withdrawal of the medication I was taking, I am dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, and we are newly married. Jason had no idea what he was getting into. But God did.
A Shimmer of Hope
There was one boy in particular that I became obsessed with. On our first date, he brought me to church. It was a Christmas program. I had fun and he brought me to church regularly after that. We broke up and dated again and broke up and dated again. We flirted. We messed around. The relationship began to model what I watched my parents do growing up. It was not healthy.
Once when we were at church, we were not dating each other. In fact, I think I was already dating someone else. I ran through relationships like toothpicks. There was an invitation to give our lives to Christ and accept Him as Lord and Savior. I accepted...again.
Throughout my childhood, mom would take me to some church or another. But God was distant to me...like my father. But during this particular invitation, I sensed there was something more that I was missing.
I went up front and prayed with one of the pastors. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in other tongues. There was a power that I had never known before. It gave me a shimmer of hope. Something had changed inside of me. All of a sudden, I wanted to live.
Once when we were at church, we were not dating each other. In fact, I think I was already dating someone else. I ran through relationships like toothpicks. There was an invitation to give our lives to Christ and accept Him as Lord and Savior. I accepted...again.
Throughout my childhood, mom would take me to some church or another. But God was distant to me...like my father. But during this particular invitation, I sensed there was something more that I was missing.
I went up front and prayed with one of the pastors. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in other tongues. There was a power that I had never known before. It gave me a shimmer of hope. Something had changed inside of me. All of a sudden, I wanted to live.
Living Inside a Tornado
I was a tornado of emotions.
Sure teenagers all go through emotional dramas. Its the part of the brain that is developing. But my emotions were damaging.
I began to show highs and lows. I began to attempt suicide. I ran from one boyfriend to another. I always pushed the line to see what I could get away with.
Most days I didn't remember which way was up or which way was down.
I was angry. I was bitter. I was lonely. I was depressed. I was hopeless. I was twirling like a tornado. I was becoming codependent on the boys I was dating.
My mom began to see tendencies in me that she had in herself. She took me to the psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with the same Bipolar Disorder as my mom, my grandfather, my aunt, my cousins, and my great-grandparents. It was my lot in life. I was going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life.
Now I had even more of an excuse to live however I wanted to. I wanted to die. I wanted to escape my life. I gave up. As a teenager, I merely survived each day.
The Only Constant in this World is Change
My mom and Fabian had been friends in Minot, ND. When my mom began to contact him again, he came to visit us in Kansas. It was only a few days, but during that time, he proposed to my mom. We were moving again.
I was so very angry.
My dad had married his high school sweetheart. The affairs he had in his first and second marriage were with her. He always wanted to marry her. Now he had the chance. I didn't care. I didn't like her. She wasn't my mom. Pat tried to befriend me. She tried to include me in their family. But I didn't want to be a part of their family. I just wanted my dad. I still didn't understand why dad didn't want me. I was angry.
My mom was now going to marry this complete stranger to me and whisk us back to North Dakota. I didn't want to go back to North Dakota. I hated North Dakota. I had friends in Kansas. Real friends. Friends who had me come over to their houses. Friends I wanted to keep. I hated Fabian.
I grew bitter.
When my mom and Fabian were married, he took over my job of taking care of mom. Now what was a I supposed to do?!
He tried. He really did try. So he bought me whatever I wanted. I became a greedy brat. Fabian had the nicest house I had ever lived in. He let me paint my room whatever color I wanted. I had nice clothes to wear. I had a Nintendo. But it wasn't enough. I became mean and snotty.
I was teased in school. I couldn't make friends. I felt like I was living in a tornado.
I hated being in North Dakota and demanded to move back. When it didn't happen, I became very depressed. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I began to look to boys to fill the void in my life.
I was so very angry.
My dad had married his high school sweetheart. The affairs he had in his first and second marriage were with her. He always wanted to marry her. Now he had the chance. I didn't care. I didn't like her. She wasn't my mom. Pat tried to befriend me. She tried to include me in their family. But I didn't want to be a part of their family. I just wanted my dad. I still didn't understand why dad didn't want me. I was angry.
My mom was now going to marry this complete stranger to me and whisk us back to North Dakota. I didn't want to go back to North Dakota. I hated North Dakota. I had friends in Kansas. Real friends. Friends who had me come over to their houses. Friends I wanted to keep. I hated Fabian.
I grew bitter.
When my mom and Fabian were married, he took over my job of taking care of mom. Now what was a I supposed to do?!
He tried. He really did try. So he bought me whatever I wanted. I became a greedy brat. Fabian had the nicest house I had ever lived in. He let me paint my room whatever color I wanted. I had nice clothes to wear. I had a Nintendo. But it wasn't enough. I became mean and snotty.
I was teased in school. I couldn't make friends. I felt like I was living in a tornado.
I hated being in North Dakota and demanded to move back. When it didn't happen, I became very depressed. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I began to look to boys to fill the void in my life.
Growing Up and Taking Care of Mom
I grew up overnight it seems.
I had always been the one to take care of mom when she was depressed. Some times I would just leave her alone when she wasn't getting up. Sometimes I would do my best to get her up so she could take care of me. When my dad was a part of our lives, he took care of her the best she would allow. I had three years where this was the case.
When we moved to Arizona, my job became a little more difficult.
My mother went into a high. With the Bipolar Disorder you have depression with the lows and manic episodes with the highs.
One of my memories in Arizona was of my mom dancing on the table with the dog. She was drunk and I believe she was also doing some drugs that night as well. She was singing along to the music on the T.V.
After my dad and my mom were divorced, I would dream of them getting back together and us all living together again. I liked my mom's first husband Wally, but I didn't really want to stay with him. There were strangers always staying in our house. I had my own room. But we had people sleeping on the back porch, in the living room, and everywhere there could be a blanket and pillow.
Wally's lifestyle was a little crazy. He did drugs, had pornography around his house, and did things I probably don't want to know about. He wanted to remarry my mom and she wanted to remarry him.
She had another break down while we lived in Arizona. After she came home from the hospital this time, Wally told her that he was dying. They could not get remarried and he sent us away so that we wouldn't watch him die.
Mom and I moved to Salina, Kansas where her brother lived. He took us in and we stayed with him for a while. Wally died not too long after we moved. Mom was broken. We had no where to go. We had no money to get there. My mom couldn't work due to her mental illness. She filed for disability and welfare.
I wondered why my dad didn't want me. I grew very angry while we lived in Kansas. I hoped that my dad would relent and remarry my mom until he married my stepmom. I hated her. I didn't want anything to do with my dad's new wife or my stepsisters. I determined that my job was to take care of my mom and to survive this life.
Mom and I moved into a small house and did my best to take care of her. She had more physical health issues. I was in the sixth grade and I did everything I could to make sure my mom was alright.
We moved again since housing assistance kicked in and we could afford to live in a better place. We lived just down the street from my uncle. It was nice. Just me and mom with my uncle close by. I was taking care of mom. She didn't need to go into the hospital when she was sad. I had some friends from across town. Then Fabian showed up and my life changed again.
I had always been the one to take care of mom when she was depressed. Some times I would just leave her alone when she wasn't getting up. Sometimes I would do my best to get her up so she could take care of me. When my dad was a part of our lives, he took care of her the best she would allow. I had three years where this was the case.
When we moved to Arizona, my job became a little more difficult.
My mother went into a high. With the Bipolar Disorder you have depression with the lows and manic episodes with the highs.
One of my memories in Arizona was of my mom dancing on the table with the dog. She was drunk and I believe she was also doing some drugs that night as well. She was singing along to the music on the T.V.
After my dad and my mom were divorced, I would dream of them getting back together and us all living together again. I liked my mom's first husband Wally, but I didn't really want to stay with him. There were strangers always staying in our house. I had my own room. But we had people sleeping on the back porch, in the living room, and everywhere there could be a blanket and pillow.
Wally's lifestyle was a little crazy. He did drugs, had pornography around his house, and did things I probably don't want to know about. He wanted to remarry my mom and she wanted to remarry him.
She had another break down while we lived in Arizona. After she came home from the hospital this time, Wally told her that he was dying. They could not get remarried and he sent us away so that we wouldn't watch him die.
Mom and I moved to Salina, Kansas where her brother lived. He took us in and we stayed with him for a while. Wally died not too long after we moved. Mom was broken. We had no where to go. We had no money to get there. My mom couldn't work due to her mental illness. She filed for disability and welfare.
I wondered why my dad didn't want me. I grew very angry while we lived in Kansas. I hoped that my dad would relent and remarry my mom until he married my stepmom. I hated her. I didn't want anything to do with my dad's new wife or my stepsisters. I determined that my job was to take care of my mom and to survive this life.
Mom and I moved into a small house and did my best to take care of her. She had more physical health issues. I was in the sixth grade and I did everything I could to make sure my mom was alright.
We moved again since housing assistance kicked in and we could afford to live in a better place. We lived just down the street from my uncle. It was nice. Just me and mom with my uncle close by. I was taking care of mom. She didn't need to go into the hospital when she was sad. I had some friends from across town. Then Fabian showed up and my life changed again.
Childhood and Growing Pains
We moved around a lot as I was growing up. Some times the move was across town. Other times it was across the state. Mostly it was due to my parents trying to work things out and then not succeeding. It was due to the Bipolar ups and downs. It was due to the alcoholism. It was due to a lot of things.
I remember living in an apartment building not too far away from my grandparents and my brother and sister. I would walk to and from school each day. I had a friend in the building who would walk with me most days. I don't remember if he was in Kindergarten as well or not. But I remember I liked having a friend walk with me.
Most days I would play with my friends in school then go home and play alone in my room. I had lots of imaginary friends and I would play board games with them. I would pretend my room was another planet or some place far away. I would spend hours coming up with new stories to act out.
I also spent my time watching T.V. with my mom. I grew up with MTV (when it was still music) and with "Young and the Restless." I watched "Sesame Street" and whatever else was on at the time.
We moved again and again and again. One place we lived was a little white house in Minot, not too far away from the fairgrounds. I liked this house...a lot. We didn't have all of the noisy...and nosy...neighbors around us. I think I was about five or six at the most when we lived there.
It was at this house that I distinctly remember watching my daddy drive away...again. And not too many days later, I sat at the top of the stairs listening to my mom cry in the kitchen. She was cutting her wrists. She yelled at me to call my grandpa to come and get me. She said I was going to go live with him. I didn't know my grandpa's phone number, but I knew Kathy's. Kathy was and still is a great friend to my mom. I didn't know what to say other than mommy was crying and I was going to live with my grandpa. I think I also said something about the blood on the floor.
I went back to my perch on the top of the stairs and cried. I thought my mommy was going to die. I didn't know what was going to happen to me or who was going to take care of me. I felt so alone. Those minutes seemed like years while I was waiting for someone to come. Kathy did come and mom got some help.
A few years ago while I was praying. Jesus took me back to those stairs on that night in my memory. He took me back to my loneliest moment. He showed me that I wasn't alone at the top of those stairs as I was watching my mother try to commit suicide. He was sitting there beside me. He was holding me as I waited. I wasn't alone.
That wasn't the only time my mother tried to kill herself. She had many times that she didn't want to live anymore. Sometimes I thought it was my fault and I tried to be better. I tried to stay out of trouble and tried to be a good little girl.
Many memories are full of broken glass.
Several years later we were living in Grand Forks, ND on the Air Force Base. Mom and dad had a few good years together and they were trying to make it work. My dad had gone through the legal system to officially adopt me and give me his last name. It felt so good to have my daddy there. He taught me how to ride a bike. This time when we moved around, we all moved together.
I believe I was in the third grade at this time in my life. Dad was drinking a lot those days. He came home late from the bar and they would fight. But they were together. We were a family.
One day, I was playing in the back yard with my friends. I was excited to have friends. I didn't have many friends since we moved a lot. It was hard to make a new friend when we moved around.
We had a swing set and I was hanging up-side-down on it. We were laughing and having a good time. I heard my mom yell at me inside our duplex apartment and I thought I was in trouble for not playing on it right. I told my friends that I would see them later but I had to go now.
I walked in to find broken glass everywhere in the house. I thought that my mom was mad at me for swinging up-side-down on the swing set. I must have been very bad in order for her to break so many things this time. Maybe she was mad at me for not washing the dishes right. Maybe I forgot to feed the dogs. I wasn't sure, but I knew I must have done something wrong. She sent me to my room. I sat on my bed and cried. I tried to think about what I did to make her so mad.
Mom came into my room and broke everything she could. I had collected some seashells from the beach when my family took a trip to Corpus Christi, TX. It was a happy family trip and I cherished those seashells. They reminded me that my family might work out. She broke them all. She broke my mirrors. She broke whatever she could throw on the floor. When she was done smashing and yelling and crying in my room, she told me to clean up the mess and she went and sat in the living room to cry some more.
I was on my hands and knees in the middle of broken glass picking up each small piece when my dad came home from work. I remember him looking down the hallway right into my room. He came rushing and picked me up out of the brokenness. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was cleaning it up. He told me to not worry about it and put me back on my bed.
Mom got help again that time. But I was never reassured that it wasn't my fault until I was an adult.
My dad retired from the Air Force. He had spent 20 years of his life in service for our country. I was (and am) so very proud of him. Now that the Air Force was not keeping him in North Dakota, he moved our family to Texas.
My dad was born and raised in Texas. When he joined the military, he had hoped to be stationed in Texas. He was frustrated when that never happened. He was eager to move back to be close to his parents and his boys. I was not eager to move again.
I remember hiding under the table at school. My classmates stood in front of the doorway into our class. I hoped he wouldn't find me so that I could stay in North Dakota. I felt the safest I had ever felt and I was terrified about moving. But he found me and we left in a green cargo van with as many of our belongings as possible packed around me in the back.
My mother didn't like being in Texas. I didn't like being in Texas. My parents fought more and more. So she packed me up and we left. She drove to Phoenix, AZ where her first husband lived. He took us in.
My parents ended up getting a divorce when I was in the fifth grade and I grew up very quickly.
I remember living in an apartment building not too far away from my grandparents and my brother and sister. I would walk to and from school each day. I had a friend in the building who would walk with me most days. I don't remember if he was in Kindergarten as well or not. But I remember I liked having a friend walk with me.
Most days I would play with my friends in school then go home and play alone in my room. I had lots of imaginary friends and I would play board games with them. I would pretend my room was another planet or some place far away. I would spend hours coming up with new stories to act out.
I also spent my time watching T.V. with my mom. I grew up with MTV (when it was still music) and with "Young and the Restless." I watched "Sesame Street" and whatever else was on at the time.
We moved again and again and again. One place we lived was a little white house in Minot, not too far away from the fairgrounds. I liked this house...a lot. We didn't have all of the noisy...and nosy...neighbors around us. I think I was about five or six at the most when we lived there.
It was at this house that I distinctly remember watching my daddy drive away...again. And not too many days later, I sat at the top of the stairs listening to my mom cry in the kitchen. She was cutting her wrists. She yelled at me to call my grandpa to come and get me. She said I was going to go live with him. I didn't know my grandpa's phone number, but I knew Kathy's. Kathy was and still is a great friend to my mom. I didn't know what to say other than mommy was crying and I was going to live with my grandpa. I think I also said something about the blood on the floor.
I went back to my perch on the top of the stairs and cried. I thought my mommy was going to die. I didn't know what was going to happen to me or who was going to take care of me. I felt so alone. Those minutes seemed like years while I was waiting for someone to come. Kathy did come and mom got some help.
A few years ago while I was praying. Jesus took me back to those stairs on that night in my memory. He took me back to my loneliest moment. He showed me that I wasn't alone at the top of those stairs as I was watching my mother try to commit suicide. He was sitting there beside me. He was holding me as I waited. I wasn't alone.
That wasn't the only time my mother tried to kill herself. She had many times that she didn't want to live anymore. Sometimes I thought it was my fault and I tried to be better. I tried to stay out of trouble and tried to be a good little girl.
Many memories are full of broken glass.
Several years later we were living in Grand Forks, ND on the Air Force Base. Mom and dad had a few good years together and they were trying to make it work. My dad had gone through the legal system to officially adopt me and give me his last name. It felt so good to have my daddy there. He taught me how to ride a bike. This time when we moved around, we all moved together.
I believe I was in the third grade at this time in my life. Dad was drinking a lot those days. He came home late from the bar and they would fight. But they were together. We were a family.
One day, I was playing in the back yard with my friends. I was excited to have friends. I didn't have many friends since we moved a lot. It was hard to make a new friend when we moved around.
We had a swing set and I was hanging up-side-down on it. We were laughing and having a good time. I heard my mom yell at me inside our duplex apartment and I thought I was in trouble for not playing on it right. I told my friends that I would see them later but I had to go now.
I walked in to find broken glass everywhere in the house. I thought that my mom was mad at me for swinging up-side-down on the swing set. I must have been very bad in order for her to break so many things this time. Maybe she was mad at me for not washing the dishes right. Maybe I forgot to feed the dogs. I wasn't sure, but I knew I must have done something wrong. She sent me to my room. I sat on my bed and cried. I tried to think about what I did to make her so mad.
Mom came into my room and broke everything she could. I had collected some seashells from the beach when my family took a trip to Corpus Christi, TX. It was a happy family trip and I cherished those seashells. They reminded me that my family might work out. She broke them all. She broke my mirrors. She broke whatever she could throw on the floor. When she was done smashing and yelling and crying in my room, she told me to clean up the mess and she went and sat in the living room to cry some more.
I was on my hands and knees in the middle of broken glass picking up each small piece when my dad came home from work. I remember him looking down the hallway right into my room. He came rushing and picked me up out of the brokenness. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was cleaning it up. He told me to not worry about it and put me back on my bed.
Mom got help again that time. But I was never reassured that it wasn't my fault until I was an adult.
My dad retired from the Air Force. He had spent 20 years of his life in service for our country. I was (and am) so very proud of him. Now that the Air Force was not keeping him in North Dakota, he moved our family to Texas.
My dad was born and raised in Texas. When he joined the military, he had hoped to be stationed in Texas. He was frustrated when that never happened. He was eager to move back to be close to his parents and his boys. I was not eager to move again.
I remember hiding under the table at school. My classmates stood in front of the doorway into our class. I hoped he wouldn't find me so that I could stay in North Dakota. I felt the safest I had ever felt and I was terrified about moving. But he found me and we left in a green cargo van with as many of our belongings as possible packed around me in the back.
My mother didn't like being in Texas. I didn't like being in Texas. My parents fought more and more. So she packed me up and we left. She drove to Phoenix, AZ where her first husband lived. He took us in.
My parents ended up getting a divorce when I was in the fifth grade and I grew up very quickly.
Early Childhood
Though there was fighting and strife, it was not all bad. I have good memories too. And I am sure there were good times between my parents was well. Like, I said before, this is the way I remember it. A person's memory may not always be accurate. But I do remember the way I felt.
I was sad a lot as a child. I was lonely. I was scared. I never knew where my daddy was going to be or if he was going to come back.
I have lots of memories of watching my daddy drive away from where we were living at the time and wondering if I'd get to see him again.
I know that most of the fights were not about me directly. But I almost always felt like they were my fault. I thought that daddy was leaving because I did something wrong and I tried to be better so he would come back again.
I started attending the Head Start program in Minot, ND. I enjoyed the bus ride there. I really liked playing with other kids. But I especially remember my teacher, Ramona Arneson. I remember her smile and her hugs. She made me feel safe. The director of the program at the time was Cheryl Ekblad. A few years ago, Cheryl told me that I reminded her of a porcelain doll. I was pale but had very black hair. She said that I was a sweetheart. I remember many things about my days in Head Start. I especially remember my graduation program. I remember wearing my purple hat (which I still have in my trunk) and watching the video play of Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All."
A few years ago, I had the honor and privilege of telling my Head Start teacher, Ramona Arneson, thank you. I brought my pictures and my memories and was able to tell her about the difference she made in my life.
It was at Head Start that I learned that school could be a safe place for me. I learned that there were other people who were genuinely concerned for me and would help me. Head Start not only helped me during this time in my life, they also helped my mom as well.
I will be forever grateful for the ones who showed me great love when I needed it most.
I was sad a lot as a child. I was lonely. I was scared. I never knew where my daddy was going to be or if he was going to come back.
I have lots of memories of watching my daddy drive away from where we were living at the time and wondering if I'd get to see him again.
I know that most of the fights were not about me directly. But I almost always felt like they were my fault. I thought that daddy was leaving because I did something wrong and I tried to be better so he would come back again.
I started attending the Head Start program in Minot, ND. I enjoyed the bus ride there. I really liked playing with other kids. But I especially remember my teacher, Ramona Arneson. I remember her smile and her hugs. She made me feel safe. The director of the program at the time was Cheryl Ekblad. A few years ago, Cheryl told me that I reminded her of a porcelain doll. I was pale but had very black hair. She said that I was a sweetheart. I remember many things about my days in Head Start. I especially remember my graduation program. I remember wearing my purple hat (which I still have in my trunk) and watching the video play of Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All."
A few years ago, I had the honor and privilege of telling my Head Start teacher, Ramona Arneson, thank you. I brought my pictures and my memories and was able to tell her about the difference she made in my life.
It was at Head Start that I learned that school could be a safe place for me. I learned that there were other people who were genuinely concerned for me and would help me. Head Start not only helped me during this time in my life, they also helped my mom as well.
I will be forever grateful for the ones who showed me great love when I needed it most.
The Beginning
When people tell stories, most of the time they start at the beginning. This is where I am going to start with my story. This is from my perspective. How I remember things. It may not be completely accurate, but it is how I remember it. Some events may not be in the right order. I tend to remember the emotion of the event much more than the dates and times. But this is my story.
Both of my parents have stories of their own. They have been through so much in their lives. Addictions, disorders, affairs, failures, and pain. I hope they will each tell their stories because they have come through so much. I will only tell a part of their stories in my story because I am only a part of their stories and they have so much more to share.
I was born in 1979. In the muck and mire of two lonely and hurting people.
My dad was in the United States Air Force. He had already been through a failed marriage and a failed affair. He had two boys that didn't really didn't want him around. He was stationed in Minot, ND. This was probably the last place on earth he really wanted to be. He was hurting. He was lonely. He spent many nights drinking pain away.
My mom was also in pain. She had been through two failed marriages. She lost custody of her children. They were now adopted by my grandfather. She was continually dealing with depression, anxiety, and the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder among other things. She was lonely. She too would spend nights drinking the pain away.
I am not all too sure how they met or what the circumstances were. All I do know is that they did. And then I was conceived. My mom considered having an abortion. After all, her other two children had been taken away. She was not married to my father. She had so many issues to work through, she didn't know if she was up to working through it with me. But she chose to.
My mother and father's relationship was not a good one. They fought often. They fought frequently. They fought a lot. Most of my childhood memories were of yelling, tears, throwing things, and broken glass. This is how my parent's relationship tended to be for the years they were together.
I was in such a hurry to be born, I came into this world in the hallway of the hospital. My mother was happy to have me. I know that my father was not. I was a girl and he had two boys. I am sure he was scared. I am sure he really didn't know what to do. I saw the letters he wrote my mom. But I know that over time, he learned a lot of things and he learned how to love me...very much. And today, I know he loves me more than words can say.
But this was back in 1979 in the midst of the muck and mire. My mom pushed...and sometimes probably pushed too hard...for my dad to be a part of our lives. They did get married a year after I was born. During this time some where, my dad's assignment was changed to Madrid, Spain. My mom put both of us on an airplane and went to be with him. My dad said that I liked being in the stroller and going for walks. He said he put so many miles on that stroller walking me around. My mom said that I didn't eat well. She said I often threw up and I was not gaining weight like I should have been. She also said that she was questioned on neglecting me since I was so frail.
But the time in Spain was short. They fought. Mom and I flew back to Minot, ND to be with her family.
Dad came back to the Minot AFB after his term in Spain. However, the relationship between my parents was full of strife. They separated often. Between the drinking and the Bipolar, it was hard for them to get along. I know they tried because of me. But it wasn't enough to make it really work.
Both of my parents have stories of their own. They have been through so much in their lives. Addictions, disorders, affairs, failures, and pain. I hope they will each tell their stories because they have come through so much. I will only tell a part of their stories in my story because I am only a part of their stories and they have so much more to share.
I was born in 1979. In the muck and mire of two lonely and hurting people.
My dad was in the United States Air Force. He had already been through a failed marriage and a failed affair. He had two boys that didn't really didn't want him around. He was stationed in Minot, ND. This was probably the last place on earth he really wanted to be. He was hurting. He was lonely. He spent many nights drinking pain away.
My mom was also in pain. She had been through two failed marriages. She lost custody of her children. They were now adopted by my grandfather. She was continually dealing with depression, anxiety, and the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder among other things. She was lonely. She too would spend nights drinking the pain away.
I am not all too sure how they met or what the circumstances were. All I do know is that they did. And then I was conceived. My mom considered having an abortion. After all, her other two children had been taken away. She was not married to my father. She had so many issues to work through, she didn't know if she was up to working through it with me. But she chose to.
My mother and father's relationship was not a good one. They fought often. They fought frequently. They fought a lot. Most of my childhood memories were of yelling, tears, throwing things, and broken glass. This is how my parent's relationship tended to be for the years they were together.
I was in such a hurry to be born, I came into this world in the hallway of the hospital. My mother was happy to have me. I know that my father was not. I was a girl and he had two boys. I am sure he was scared. I am sure he really didn't know what to do. I saw the letters he wrote my mom. But I know that over time, he learned a lot of things and he learned how to love me...very much. And today, I know he loves me more than words can say.
But this was back in 1979 in the midst of the muck and mire. My mom pushed...and sometimes probably pushed too hard...for my dad to be a part of our lives. They did get married a year after I was born. During this time some where, my dad's assignment was changed to Madrid, Spain. My mom put both of us on an airplane and went to be with him. My dad said that I liked being in the stroller and going for walks. He said he put so many miles on that stroller walking me around. My mom said that I didn't eat well. She said I often threw up and I was not gaining weight like I should have been. She also said that she was questioned on neglecting me since I was so frail.
But the time in Spain was short. They fought. Mom and I flew back to Minot, ND to be with her family.
Dad came back to the Minot AFB after his term in Spain. However, the relationship between my parents was full of strife. They separated often. Between the drinking and the Bipolar, it was hard for them to get along. I know they tried because of me. But it wasn't enough to make it really work.
My Story
So I was up early this morning due to one of our kitties pawing the door. As I laid in bed trying to fall back to sleep, I was reminded of my blog. I haven't really even started working on my blog since I've opened it. I think it's time.
I have really thought about what I wanted to say in my blog. There are thousands of blogs already out in the world. What do I want to say in mine that is so different from everyone else? Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me about my story. My story is different from everyone else because it's my story.
So here we are.
I am on a journey in this life. But every journey has a beginning. That is where I need to start.
I have really thought about what I wanted to say in my blog. There are thousands of blogs already out in the world. What do I want to say in mine that is so different from everyone else? Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me about my story. My story is different from everyone else because it's my story.
So here we are.
I am on a journey in this life. But every journey has a beginning. That is where I need to start.
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