New Page In My Journey

I am currently attending a partial hospitalization program. I am so glad that I was lead to this program to help me step out of the tornado once again. I am putting some more pieces together of my story. As the puzzle becomes more clear, I will update theses posts to be more accurate.

Until then, I am beginning to enjoy the journey once more.

So Here I Am...Let's Be Real

A lot of things have happened within the last year. I have no idea where to even begin. A counselor asked me how I am still standing in the midst of it all. I said it was only by the grace of God.

I have been too busy to really heal. Do you ever find yourself in that place? So busy going to this appointment or the next event, there is no time to reflect and begin to heal those broken places. The shattered places. The fragments.

I am fractured. I need a reset in order for my soul to be healed. How do I reset in the midst of life? Can I really take a time out and take time to work on myself instead of everyone else? Am I worthy of the time and energy it takes to find this healing?

I am not perfect and yet I have such a deep need to be perfect. I believe that the world is a dangerous place and every time I trust someone, I get hurt. How does all of this affect my journey of healing? It stops it cold right against a solid stone wall.

Am I valuable enough to begin tearing down this wall? Or is my place at home taking care of everyone else while I wither away inside? Am I ready for this change? Am I ready to take the next step on my journey into freedom? Into the sunlight? Am I really ready to trust God?

I hurt. Sometimes I want the hurt to stop. And yet, mostly I want it to continue. I am afraid. Fear rules most of my life. Perfect love casts out fear. But I don't trust perfect love yet. I am suffocating. Sometimes I want to stop the fight to breathe.

If I don't good something good enough, then I am not good enough. I am a failure. I failed with my kids. I am daily failing with my marriage. I fail myself. I try to rationalize things. Pretend my life is perfect. I forget things. I dissociate.

I am shattered. I am damaged. I am unlovable. I don't deserve for anyone to help me heal. I must stay safe from people. What about God? I don't read the Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I am not a good enough person. I am weak. My faith is drowning. I am shaking like a leaf. I need His peace, I need to trust Him for His peace.

I am requested to attend a day program for at least three weeks to help me work through all of this.

I am seeing a psychologist sometimes, a psychiatrist to manage the meds, and a therapist monthly. It is not enough to really dig deep into my faulty belief systems. I need more.

Recent Testimony

Recently I was asked to give a five-minute testimony at church. This is what I shared. 

Fifteen years ago when Jason and I were married, I had a desire of continuing my education and going back to college. After we began having our children, I let that desire fade away. I figured that there was no way I could go back to college with a family.

As I grew in my walk with Christ and began to hear His voice more clearly, I began having regular dreams in the night of being back in college. The desire to continue my education began to return. However, I had no idea how it would all work out or what I specifically wanted to learn.

My children began attending West River Head Start when the Beulah center was opened. One of the priorities of the program is to involve families. Over the years, I became a trained parent volunteer and classroom substitute. I served on Policy Council for three years in several leadership roles including chairperson. I became a member of the North Dakota Head Start Association as well as the Region VIII Head Start Association where my voice made a difference.

My passion for the education of young children grew. My passion for seeing these children saved and discipled also grew. My daily intercession went deeper as I began to intercede for the children of North Dakota to know Christ. 

I began to pray and seek His face about taking the next step and becoming a teacher assistant in the classroom. This was the direction He was leading me. 

I enrolled in my online college courses with United Tribes Technical College the fall of 2010. I was also hired as the Teacher Assistant a the Beulah center with West River Head Start. I received more training and gained more experience which carried me through the next several years of my life. Three months later, we moved to Underwood to pastor the Assemblies of God church there. 

I continued my college courses online and began to seek God on how I could begin to effectively minister to children. 

I began taking the courses for the Supernatural School of Children's Ministry through Kids In Ministry International in 2011 and I graduated October of 2012. I launched a church plant for children called Kids Aflame PowerClub which is still continuing to impact McLean County today. 

After praying and seeking His face for direction for our family, we decided to move back to our house in Beulah. When visiting with Eunice Sayler at Job Service, she mentioned that the Hazen Preschool was hiring a Teacher/Director. I smiled and said I would think about it. I disqualified myself and determined that I was not qualified for the position. 

After we finished moving back to Beulah, I began to look harder for employment. Eunice reminded me about the position at Hazen Preschool. I smiled and said I would think about it. Again, I disqualified myself and looked into other employment opportunities. 

Again, I went into Job Service in Beulah in desperation needing to find income. She asked me to take an application for the Hazen Preschool and let them know I was interested in the position. I filled out the application completely and filed it away. I disqualified myself due to my lack of experience and education. I was not qualified to lead a Preschool classroom. 

I began employment with Knife River Care Center as a Cook II. Then I received a phone call from the chairperson from the Hazen Preschool Board. She said she saw my resume online at Job Service and asked if I would be interested in the position. 

I repented and knew that this is where God was leading me. 

I may not have been qualified as a Teacher/Director for a Preschool, but I am qualified as a Teacher/Director of a Playschool. Until I receive my CDA officially, I can still be the Teacher/Director of the Hazen Playschool. I had disqualified myself when in reality, I was qualified just in a different term. 

The board was willing to work with me with my credentials. Today as the Teacher/Director of the Hazen Playschool, I am impacting the lives of 40 children on a weekly basis. I am half way through my Associate Degree for Elementary Education. I am a graduate of the Supernatural School of Children's Ministry. And I know this is just another step along the journey. 

I am amazed to see all that God has done because I said I was willing to go wherever He sends me. I am willing to pay the price and get out of my comfort zones. I am willing to do what He has called me to do even though it's not easy. I am willing to listen and obey even though it seems like I am not qualified. 

This journey is not about me and my wants and desires. It is about furthering His Kingdom. It's about doing His will for my life. I am so grateful that He chose me. 

The Journey Continues

I really started learning how to live without the tornado about 8 years ago now. Sometimes I still default and need to watch my attitude and the way I handle certain situations. 

It is still a journey. Some days I have good days. Others are...well...I am still learning and growing. 

I am still learning ways to effectively handle situations and stress. My story continues each day I spend living life on this earth. My story will continue when I am in glory with my Redeemer, Savior, Lord, and Restorer. My story is so much more hopeful because of Christ in me. 

Today I am going to add new pages to My Story and affect others while they are writing their stories. My hope is that my affect is positive and I make a difference in the lives of others. 

Learning How to Live without the Tornado

I had lived with the tornado so long I forgot what life was like before it raged. 

My daily life changed. The way I saw life changed. The way I mothered my two boys changed. The way I loved my husband changed. It took time. It took years. 

During those years, I chose to forgive and let go. I forgave my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my stepmom, my stepsisters, and anyone else that had hurt me. 

I realized that I saw life through lenses of pain. It skewed my vision and distorted reality for me. 

I thought that my dad didn't want me. I realized he did, but he knew my mother needed me more. 

I thought many things, but was corrected in time. 

I realized that my mother's episodes were not my fault, but she has a disorder. 

I realized that I made it through many difficult circumstances for a reason. 

Stopping the Tornado

It is an absolute miracle our marriage survived the first month of our marriage, let alone 15 years. 

The first two years of our marriage were full of ups and downs. The tornado inside of me raged. Finally, when I was ready to trust God, He was ready to stop the tornado. 

One day while I was praying, the Holy Spirit showed me a picture of myself in my imagination. I was in a cold, dark cave. I was alone. I was hungry. But I was safe. No one could hurt me. But I was dying. 

I saw Jesus walk in front of the opening of the cave. He stopped and reached His hand to me. He was beckoning me to trust Him and come out. I hesitated. I said no. I retreated further back into the cave. But He didn't leave. He stayed at the opening. He didn't come into my cave. But I wasn't alone. He beckoned again. He wanted me to take His hand. I reached out and took it. But then I retracted and retreated. Could I really trust Him?

Finally, I sensed that I could trust Him. I decided to put my hand in His. I chose to allow Him to guide me out of the cave I was in. I chose to make Him my fortress. I chose to allow Him to protect me. 

I chose to trust Christ more than the Bipolar Disorder. I chose to trust Christ more than my past hurts and pain. I chose to trust Christ more than all I had ever known. 

It was at that moment that the tornado stopped. Now I had to learn how to live without the tornado. 

I was delivered from the Bipolar Disorder and have never dealt with the highs or lows of the disease again. It is documented that I am not Bipolar now. And the disorder does not just "go away." I know that it was God who healed my mind. I know that it was His hand that stopped the tornado inside of me.

Sometimes Healing is a Process and Takes Time

So the healing process began on January 29, 1995...but it took many years to work through the pain and anger I held so tightly to. 

I still had issues with boys and emotions and emotions and boys. But I started to have more and more hope. 

I began to trust my life more and more to Christ. But I had many trust issues to deal with. It wasn't a simple process by any means and it took years to work through. 

I had many ups and downs in my faith. I began to slowly forgive my stepdad, my mom, my dad, and anyone else who had hurt me. But at times that was more difficult than I really wanted to do. 

I began a relationship with Jason through the turmoil. He was almost the only positive relationship I had during my teen years. He was determined to show me love like no other. I didn't know how to take that and ended up breaking up with him time and time again. 

My faith struggled. My emotions struggled. My relationships struggled. It was a constant inner battle. The tornado would rage inside of me. I had a hard time trusting God to take care of my life. I felt like I could never been good enough to win His approval. 

When I graduated high school, my faith was weak. I kept pushing the limits to see what I could get away with. I began to drink alcohol and a lot of it. I wanted to drink the pain away. I wanted the tornado to stop, but I didn't know how. 

I thought that if I went to a Christian College that it would help my faith grow. I thought it would help me to be a better Christian. I thought it would stop the tornado. When it didn't, I crashed. 

In the spring of 1998, I had a breakdown. I shut down. I ended up leaving college and moving back home with my mom and stepdad. I gave up trying to stop the tornado and gave in to all my desires. I began to have multiple relationships and began doing things I said I would never do. 

By June of 1998, I didn't even recognize myself any more. I had given myself away to so many guys so many times. But I didn't know what to do or how to stop the tornado. I was stopped in my tracks with a double ear infection and no one to help me on Father's Day. Jason stepped up and took care of me for those next couple of days. And our friendship began to grow again. 

I began to see Jason as my escape from the tornado. If college couldn't stop it, maybe he could. I knew he had intentions of marrying me, so I finally said yes. Not exactly the best foundation for beginning a marriage. But God used it. We were married in October. 

Two weeks later, we conceived Josiah. Because I was pregnant, I could no longer take the medication I was on to control the Bipolar Disorder. Within the first month of our marriage we learn we are expecting our first child, I am going through withdrawal of the medication I was taking, I am dealing with the hormones of the pregnancy, and we are newly married. Jason had no idea what he was getting into. But God did.